day one @ SF

by wynlim

I thought I’ll keep a separate blog to sort of chronicle my thoughts and journey while being in SF. I used to journal almost everyday many years ago at livejournal – there is just something beautiful with archiving memories. We cannot trust out human mind to remember events.

Parting with my partner has always been difficult. So difficult that once upon a time I was convinced I would never go anywhere without her. Fortunately or unfortunately, an individual still has to be a separate identity from couplehood. There can never be a happy couple if half of a couple is unfulfilled in any way. I have realized that love is very much about separation as much as being together. Can love transcend time and space? If I believe in true love, why can’t my relationship survive the distance? I think being apart makes a relationship grow, if only both parties are on the same wavelength. You grow and learn separately, then come together to share your experiences. Imagine doing everything with your partner. There can only be one set of experiences instead of two.

I shed tears on my way to the airport, but I knew I’ll be fine. I have spent a month away in Thailand last year, another month in the Philippines. It usually takes me just one day to adjust. I thrive in new environments. Seriously. Each time I visit a new place, I know I am meant to do this. The self-knowledge is so strong that I wonder why I bother trying to hard to fit into convention. Why do I allow myself to be moulded into someone I am not. Why do I allow society to lay it’s selfish expectations on me. I feel the most alive when I am travelling. Therefore I know I cannot ‘settle’ somewhere, not in my home country or anywhere. I was born to be a nomad. San Francisco serves multiple purposes for me. I wanted to get out of Sngapore. I needed to be somewhere full of energy. Career-wise it would do me good to be in the motherland of tech. It would be nice to check out alternative therapy and healing as well. Of course, being in the gay capital of the world is just the icing on the cake. It seemed like a perfect place for me, but I didn’t want to expect anything in case I got disappointed. It didn’t matter if it wasn’t the place I thought it to be. Honestly, anywhere out of Singapore is a relief.

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Stepping into SF, I realized what feels wrong about Singapore. There is just so much space in SF. Even in the city. Singapore is very claustrophobic. People, cars, buildings cover every inch of the city-state. Fill that in with stressed-out, anxious, materialistic people – that will be my version of hell.

I have no idea why I am born and bred in Singpore and yet I feel like this is the exact place that I will never belong. Never felt like I belonged when I was a kid, I feel even more alienated now. I just don’t like the energy, I am curious if my physical health problems will evaporate as I continue my stay here. For the first time in a long time. I slept at 11ish pm last night, I didn’t have to roll an hour in bed before falling asleep and I woke up at 7am this morning. Of course, it may be fatigue due to ‘jet lag’. Let’s see. One thing has been pretty consistent. Each time I am out of Singapore, my insomnia seems to de-exist. If we are essentially all made of energy, it is not too far-fetched to think that I can be affected in a place full of anxiety isn’t it?

I napped for the entire after noon once I arrived in my AirBNB apartment. I slept in my entire flight too, apart from meal times.

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I love inflight meals. They are so comforting. I woke up 7ish pm in the evening, tried to get a sim card for my iPhone but the shops were closed. The shops generally close pretty early. I went to Union Sq hoping to be able to walk around a bit more.

Suddenly it occured to me – I wonder what these Amercians think when they visit Orchard Road in Singapore. Or shopping areas in Asian cities like Hongkong or Japan. I couldn’t really withstand the cold at night. I ordered my first coffee from Starbucks. $2.90 for a tall cap. Went grocery shopping at Walgreens. They have negative ionized drinking water. Quite cool. Multi-vits cost 1/5 of the price in Singapore. Bens and Jerrys are at least half price.

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My first meal was at a thai noodle place ironically. I was at Union Sq and I wanted somewhere cheap so I used Yelp. I ended up at some place called King of Thai noodle or something along that line. Had herbal duck noodle but it was a little too oily and sweet. The portion was gigantic. I think I am going to be wasting a lot of food n this trip.

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