day 4 – rest.

by wynlim

I’m at The Summit (http://www.thesummit-sf.com/) now co-working and I am having trouble sitting straight. Sigh.

Anyway, I didn’t do much yesterday. I went out for lunch at a Thai restaurant called Chilli Cha Cha 2 and that’s about it.

(If you want to read about SF you can stop here now. This entire post is about my personal feelings)

I had an amazing day in another sense though. I practically slept the entire day. I woke up about 3ish am, felt sleepy about noon, went to nap, woke up about 3pm, had lunch, went back, slept again at 5pm – till this morning 6am. 

In the middle of it all I also had diarrhoea. 

The last time I slept so much and had diarrhoea, it was at Palawan, Phillipines. Then, it was expected at that place as the owner told me that my body would detox naturally – we ate raw food everyday and the place was surrounded in nature.

I wonder if my body went into auto-healing mode again. I mean, SF is a city still, but I stay a distance away from the city center, and seriously, compared to Singapore, it is really sparse. The only time I saw tons of people was when fans were leaving a Giants game.

Energetically I feel really good being here. The energy here feels a lot cleaner. If you know what I mean.

I usually take at least 30 mins to a couple hours just to fall asleep, not to mention if I wake up in between it is also difficult for me to get back to sleep, so to be able to sleep for the entire day…wow.

That’s why I think it is interesting to journal my thoughts and feelings everyday. I’ll be able to look back at the entire journey and see if there’s any meaningful pattern.

So far, I really feel like I am *meant* to be here. I had a session with a intuitive reader a couple of months back, I told him about my health issues….he said it feels like, if I make my trip to SF, all my issues will fade away. Even the eternal idealist in me was skeptical.

I don’t know. It could be the initial euphoria of discovering a new place. Let’s check back in a couple of weeks time. 🙂

Ironically, I signed up with SF Night Owls before coming here and I was pretty excited about it. A co-working session for night owls! But for the past few nights, I can’t even make it past 10pm, much less 2am. Hmm.

I had an interesting debate with a friend on Twitter a couple of nights ago. I sympathise with people who’re following the both of us, they’ll probably wake up to their timeline flooded with tweets from both of us. Basically, I tweeted that I was feeling very blessed while walking on the streets of SF. He asked why I can’t feel the same in Singapore.

I replied that Singapore makes me feel anxious, claustrophobic and stressed out. I mean, just look at the people, man. You don’t have to be sensitive to energy to sense that the majority of the population in Singapore is essentially walking-dead.

He felt that I have a virtual prison in my head and it wouldn’t matter where I go.

I do have a prison in my head. That, I don’t deny. 

I have no idea whether I’ll carry this prison with me for the rest of my life, wherever I go. But if travelling somewhere else makes me feel happier, even for a few days, why not? In life, all we can do is to capture the sweet, fleeting, transient moments. Do I sit still trying to change the way I think or do I move along hoping that my thoughts will organically shift?

The thing is, I wouldn’t really know the answer because I never had the chance to live elsewhere for an extended period of time. It can very well be that my birth country really makes me feel sick and depressed. It was already difficult trying have some quality of life and now with standards of living having doubled in the past few years, I feel like I have to sell my ass in order to survive. That is *just* the financial aspect of things. I haven’t even started about the culture….

I don’t like being surrounded by people and tall buildings everywhere I go. I don’t like that it is impossible to not bump into people while walking on the streets. I don’t like that everything seems so packaged. I don’t like having to spend my entire life trying to afford a 500 sq ft apartment. 

If I have to sign up for a 30 year loan, it may as well be a proper HOUSE with LAND. It doesn’t have to be SF. It can be in some ulu state at some ulu country. I don’t care. I just don’t care for the supposed perks of living in Singapore. If not for my family….I’ll be out in a split second.

It feels great to be in a place whereby you see the light in people’s eyes. Whether it was a waitress at a diner, or a passenger on the bus, or just people walking on the streets. It feels great to be in a place where individuality is celebrated. It feels great to be in a place where strangers smile at you, open doors for you, say their thank yous and sorrys.

It feels great to be in a place that I can feel at home. For once, I am not sticking out like a sore thumb.

I….never felt like I belonged in Singapore.

You can say that people in the states are racist, so far I haven’t encountered unpleasant treatment because of my race, but I can confidently tell you Singapore is not less racist. It just so happens that the chinese form the majority of the population so we are not subjected to discrimination. That doesn’t mean the chinese don’t discriminate other races. Or prefer certain races. Or worship certain races. We don’t kill people because of their races, but still, it doesn’t make us less racist.

I like seeing blue skies in SF. I like that the man beside me now offered to share his electrical power with another stranger. I like walking randomly around the streets discovering quaint little shops like this one:

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I like having 1000 meetups to choose from every week. I like the huge cafes with high ceilings: 

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I don’t mean to rant about Singapore. I think having spent 95% of my life in my home country, I deserve to have a life elsewhere. Or contemplate settling down elsewhere. I don’t want to see it as a marriage of convenience. Just because it is there, doesn’t mean I have to stay in it. If one day I were to choose to stay, it would be because I love the country, not because it is convenient.

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