one week on.
When Bing, the intuitive reader told me that my health issues would magically disappear when I travel out of Singapore, I looked at him skeptically. I told my friends about it skeptically. I was truly skeptical. For someone who believes in astrology, reincarnation and spirit guides, I can be really skeptical. That’s where the problem lies. If I’m entirely either skeptic or living in the clouds, I’ll be fine. The issue is I am somewhere in between, that makes everything a constant inner struggle.
I didn’t come to San Francisco because of this information. I have already made my decision before I had my intuitive reading session. I just wanted to see what he feels about it.
So. Why did I come all the way here even though it can be really expensive, I barely had any savings?
If I put it in a nice way, it is a leap of faith. If I am totally honest about it, I had no other choice. It was either I try this, or I continue to be a really unhappy person. “A really unhappy person” is actually an understatement. I was simply not interested in life anymore.
You know, I think that is a wonderful gift I have. Somehow my inner responses literally force me to make changes. Whether I like it or not. I simply cannot stay in the status quo. I actually would if I could, because like everyone else I do like comfort and security. Unfortunately, I really can’t. Each time I try I simply don’t feel like being alive anymore.
I am thankful for this. If not, I wouldn’t have made so many crazy decisions in my life. And I definitely wouldn’t be sitting here writing this post today.
A part of me is just waiting for the bubble to burst. This little voice saying, come on, it is just the initial euphoria, it will wear off. Well, if that is the case, I should be in this state each time I travel right? But ironically I haven’t been feeling excited about my travels for a long while. I just feel flat-lined. Like I have no elevation in my feelings.
Every night when I sleep now, I wonder when will be the morning that I’ll struggle to get out of bed, like I did every single day in Singapore. I wonder when will be the day I feel like my old, melancholic self. It is like I am just waiting to be my own wet blanket.
I now wonder, how important is our environment and the things that we do? I don’t only feel better. I actually feel like I am the opposite of the self I once knew. How much does the energy of a place actually affect our physical body? Hypothetically, does the right energy in our enviroment make our cells heal faster? You know, like facilitate the right electrical impulses in our cells?
I could barely move 10m back in Singapore but now I am walking miles everyday. With my very heavy 15″ laptop. I could barely sleep back in Singapore and I hated waking up in the mornings. Now I automagically wake up at 6ish every day, no matter how tired I was the day before. This has lasted an entire week. Only a week, you might say. But I couldn’t even rouse myself for a single day back then, not to mention a week.
They say I’m wearing rose-tinted lenses because it is a new place. But if going to a new place would make me feel this way, I’ll gladly travel for the rest of my life. Lots of upheaval is fine compared to living a life of non-existence.
I remember reading a book by Paulo Coelho and he was writing about his muse – a war correspondence/journalist (real-life person okay, I follow her on twitter). She *has* to be in the warzone reporting, even though she knows she may get killed anytime and it was affecting her marriage, but being at a warzone makes her feel alive. She’s literally addicted to being a war reporter. She feels like she’s constantly living on the edge and that makes life meaningful for her. She’ll never be caught up in the meaningless cycle of materialism because her life is constantly threatened.
I think I am similar to a certain extent. I don’t have the guts to be a war correspondence but I do thrive on new surroundings, new circumstances, new challenges, especially if they are meaningful. I can give you an example of a challenge that is not meaningful to me – having to cope with rapidly-rising housing costs in Singapore – why would I want to waste my energy just to ensure I have a roof over my head? I rather spend my energy doing something fruitful. At least I feel like I am contributing to something if I suffer. Coping with absurd living costs in an absurd country that discriminates people like me? No, but thank you.
I am living with tons of uncertainty and insecurity now. But at the very least, I am fighting for something I believe in. Not just to have a roof over my head. (okay I am really mad at the housing situation back home, sorry for being repetitive)
I think my point is – I don’t mind working hard. Really, really hard. But there has to be a meaningful purpose to it. And when there is one, I actually really enjoy working really hard.
I hope to have some exciting news to share with you guys in the next couple of weeks. I’ve been sending my work to a few places and the response has been unexpectedly positive. I was expecting to be ignored (see, am actually quite a pessimist).
Apart from work and talking to tons of people, the highlight for me yesterday was Rainbow Grocery. Seriously. I actually really believe I can eat a lot healthier over here. There’s TONS of healthy food options and they’re actually very tasty. I also want to say if you’re into herbs or nutritional supplements, wow. It is not one aisle of supplements, they are rows of aisles. You have a gluten allergy? They have you covered as well.
For once, people don’t raise their eyebrows at me when I talk about my interests. Here, even startup incubators hold regular meditation sessions. You just go to meetup.com and there’s hundreds of things to do every single day. I don’t anybody can actually be bored here. Of course, there’s always an option of travelling to another part of California or even another state.
I’m just so in love with this place.