I may be a little delirious right now but I really want to write down my thoughts because usually if I leave it for later, this post will never be written.
I’ve been under considerable stress and anxiety lately because of the uncertainty I am facing and of course it doesn’t help when I am a natural paranoid worrier and I probably have some deficient gene that doesn’t allow me to deal properly with stress.
I’ve coped so far, largely because I have been leading some sort of a monastic lifestyle whereby I don’t allow myself to deal with anything except eat, sleep and work. I tend to be easily overwhelmed if I try to do too many things at a time when I am feeling like my blood pressure is at a constant high. So, in order to stay sane and productive for the current most important thing in my life now – which is my work – I can’t do anything else. Let me take the opportunity to apologise if you’ve been trying to get me out or you’ve been trying to get in touch with me. It is not that I don’t care, but I need to preserve my capacity for now.
I guess this sort of coping mechanism can only last for so long, because it has come to a point whereby I feel like I am like some living dead. I’ve also been pretty upset with myself because I have been eating all sorts of junk food as I give myself the excuse that eating is the only activity right now that gives me remotely some sense of pleasure.
However, I am increasingly unable to lead a double life whereby I *know* eating junk food is going to make me feel worse in the long run but I cannot help but eat it anyway to gain short-term gratification.
I am also unable to continue eating meat with my conscience clear when I am a self-professed animal lover.
And today I realised, the reason why this world is so wrong on many levels, is because we do not make conscious choices.
It is like I keep on choosing blindly to eat junk food because I do not really want to be conscious about the bad effects they can produce. I keep on feasting on my medium rare ribeyes because I refuse to think about the poor cows in pain.
We think we’re conscious when we choose, it is because we make that choice ourselves we assume that we do it with consciousness. But we don’t. At least I don’t.
For how can you be fully conscious of everything that is wrong in this world and still pursue a lifestyle of materialism?
If I cannot bring myself to witness some animal being slaughtered so that its meat can be processed and packaged, how can I still enjoy the meat as though it drops down magically from the heavens?
The more I live, the more aware I get, the more hypocritical I think I am.
Making conscious choices is not only about my food. It is a conscious choice to be happy. A conscious choice to be good. A conscious choice to live life with honesty, integrity and courage.
In this world, it is so damn easy to be in denial about everything and live in our own bubble. We can continue to pretend that there’s no global warming, there’s no starvation existing in other parts of the world, there’s going to be trees and animals forever or it is okay to bully other people in order to gain power.
We make tons of excuses to justify everything is right. That there has to be war, there in the world of business you just have to be ruthless because “that’s the way things are done”, that we are in a rat race “because that’s the only way we can survive”.
In all honesty, when the going gets tough I really feel like giving up – that I am living in the wrong world, a world that is unforgiving for some like me. I ask myself why do I make myself think about how I can contribute to social causes when I cannot even seem to take care of myself. I ask myself why I feel so strongly about making this world a better place to live in when I seem to be getting crushed left, right and center for my ideals?
I am tired. That was why I went into the living-dead mode, because I cannot reconcile the person I am and the world that I live in. I wake up everyday wondering if it gets better. I see the world around me and I feel like I am powerless to change anything about it. I want to make a dent but I cannot even get past red-tape.
I am constantly explaining to people – why. Why do I try so hard to do something particular. Why can’t I just settle. Why can’t I take the easy way out.
I have felt like retreating into my own self-preservation bubble – giving up everything I am pursuing right now, put on a facade and just live like everyone else but perhaps I can find a small space for myself to do a bit of things that I want to do.
Maybe eventually it will come to that. Because I am not sure if I have the strength to continue making conscious, positive choices. For it is so much easier to live blindly. Eat like everyone else, work like everyone else, so what if the world ends, it shouldn’t be my responsibility, or well, let’s hope it is not going to be in my lifetime. ;
But for now, as long as I have a little bit of will in me, I want to be able to make these little choices. The choice to eat sustainably, the choice to do good, the choice to be gracious, the choice to have faith, the choice to try and think happy.
If one day I should really give up, at the very least, I have tried my best to live the way I have wanted my life to be.